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…as selected by various institutions
VH1
1. The Beatles – Revolver
2. Nirvana – Nevermind
3. The Beatles – Rubber Soul
4. The Beatles – Abbey Road
5. The Beatles – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
6. Nirvana – Bleach
7. The Beatles – The White Album
8. Nirvana – In Beatlero: Nirvana Sings The Beatles
9. The Beatles – Come Together As You Are: The Beatles Guess What Nirvana Will Sound Like In the Future and Plays That
10. Nirvana - An Interview With Krist Novoselic In Which He Mentions the Word “Beetle” When Coaxed Into a Tangent About Insects
Q
1. The Smiths – The Queen Is Dead
2. The Stone Roses – Stone Westminster Abbey
3. Radiohead – Take the Lift to the Thames
4. Oasis – Kilometres and Kilometres of Overratede
5. Manic Street Preachers – Bangers n’ Mash? Cheers.
6. Blur – Birds Who Love Blokes Who Love Bobbies Who Love Crumpets
7. The Libertines – Shine Your Boots, Guvnah?
8. Muse – We Claim India In the Name of Figgy Pudding
9. The Futureheads – Blimey!
10. Various Artists – Music to Synch Boobs to: The Benny Hill Soundtrack
Rolling Stone
1. Beatles – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (1967)
2. Marvin Gaye – What’s Going On, Token Black Inclusion? (1971)
3. Elvis Presley – The Sun Sessions (1955)
4. Frank Sinatra – Singing the Twelve Songs That Exist Now (1946)
5. Robert Johnson – Good Because It Sounds Old (1935)
6. Hick Playing Bluegrass – Got Moonshine On Me Banjo (1922)
7. Franz Ferdinand – Franz Ferdinand (1912)
8. Samuel Morse – Telegraph Signals Captured On Wax Cylinder (1846)
9. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart - Sonata in G for Harpsichord, Violin (Flute) and Cello (1764)
10. A Trilobite Fossil From the Paleozoic Era With Trapped Air That May Have At One Time or Another Contained Sound (550 million years ago)
Spin
1. Kanye West – The Next Big Thing
2. Franz Ferdinand – Check That, the Next Big Thing
3. The Streets – A Thing!!! And Big and Next!!! Ahhhh!!!!
4. Modest Mouse – Oh Whoops, How’d We Forget These Guys? No, Really, It’s Them.
5. The Killers – Yo, Dudes, What About Us?
6. Interpol – We’re The Next Thing, Only Bigger! What’re You Guys Gonna Do, Kill Us? Ooooh…
7. Bloc Party – Sorry, Interpol, 2004 is Interp-over
8. Interpol – Oh Yeah? Your Mother.
9. Loretta Lynn – Oh For Christ’s Sake, Grow the Fuck Up. Oh, and Also, It’ll Be Me.
10. Elliott Smith – All Right, This Is the Magazine Again. No More Bull. We Swear, This Guy’s Going to be Huge. He is a Thing, and Next, and — Wait, What? Really?? God Damnit.
Scientific American
1. Pink Floyd – Dark Side of the Moon
2. King Crimson – In the Court of the Crimson King
3. Genesis – Paintings of Dragons by Dragons
4. Yes – Nine Synthesized Hours
5. Kansas – The Book in the Window of the Tower in the Castle of Dreams
6. Traffic – Solos That Never Actually End, You Have to Manually Hit Stop
7. Moody Blues – Flutes Over 8th Grade Poetry
8. Emerson, Lake, and Palmer – Hourglass Sands of Crushed Crystal Dragons
9. Rush – You’ve Just Purchased This Album and that Fact Can Never Be Undone
10. Mike Oldfield – Never Seen a Vagina? Listen to This
Pitchfork
1. The Pixies – Dolittle
2. Arcade Fire – FYI, There’s Some Kissing Space Left on My Right Cheek
3. Word UnrelatedWord – Incoherence Equals Respectability
4. Punk;Tuation!@ – I Can’t Believe It’s Not Coldplay
5. The Plural Nouns – Cover Art and Twenty-Eight Minutes of Static-Filled Crap
6. Obscurey McGee – The Obscure Album
7. Hp (Hip) – Melody Is For Sellouts
8. Guy With Dictaphone – Memo to Self: Doctor’s Appointment on the 12th
9. Band You’ve Heard of – Desperate Plea For Relevance
10. Who the Hell? – Even We Don’t Know Who We Are or What This Is
Juice
1. The Sex Pistols – Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s The Sex Pistols
2. The Ramones – Ramones
3. Rebel Against the Mutiny – The Way Things Are Should Fucking Change
4. Black Item – Decapitating Goats Then Having Sex With the Hole In the Neck
5. The Dead Persons of Authority – Irony Is For Robot Raves
6. Lexus Painsaw Ass-acre – Eye Before Me Except After Spree
7. Servers of Death – Our Special Tonight Is The Grilled Lamb Top Sirloin Wrapped In Applewood Smoked Bacon, With Gorgonzola Walnut Ravioli, Pearl Onions, and a Side of Death
8. Spina Bifida Havers – Your Misfortune Is Our Fortune, Miss
9. Joe Prick and the Cocks – Bloody Cunt Rape…There, Got Your Attention?
10. ConvicXted – This Isn’t an Image, We Really Will Fucking Kill You
NME
1. The Strokes – Is This It
2. The Hives – Tyrannosaurus Hives
3. White Stripes – Elephant
4. The Strokes – I’m Never Going to Get Tired of This Music, EVER
5. The Hives – Why Has Every Other Band Not Given Up Yet?
6. White Stripes – They Sound Like Led Zeppelin…If Zeppelin Touched the Talent Ball From Space Jam!!!!!!!!!!
7. The Strokes – The Second Coming of Christ? In the Form of Many Christs?
8. The Hives – I Would Let This Band Fuck My Wife
9. White Stripes – I Am Having This Album Surgically Implanted Into My Ear Canal to Ensure That I Will Hear Nothing But the White Stripes for Every Moment of Eternity Henceforth
10. Fellating The Strokes (not an album title, just the act)
Posted by Dan Hopper at 06:01 PM | Comments (16) | TrackBack
I was in the Times Square subway station just a few minutes ago, waiting on a train to take me home from AWOK practice.
And who should be exiting the same train car that I was trying to enter but Adam Conover and David Segal, from Olde English?
At this time of night, if you miss a 2 train, there won’t be another for half an hour, so I didn’t have time to do much except tap Adam on the shoulder, ask him if he was the Olde English guy, and then shake his hand briefly when he said yes. I must have seemed like some kind of spastic stalker.
Seriously, though, what are the odds that these two guys and the only person on the whole subway platform who would ever recognize them would all be trying to use the same subway door on the at the same time, on the one night when they’re in New York?
Anyway, that was pretty cool for me, only because checking for a new OE sketch is something I look forward to most Mondays.
In unrelated news, check out the home page if you haven’t, as opening acts for May 7th have been announced, as well as the dates that we’ll be competing in The Funny. Photos from April 7th are also available now on the photo page.
Posted by Nate Kushner at 01:39 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
For us, tonight’s show felt really good. The crowd was mid-sized, but warm to us, and it was a real blessing for us to be able to go only second in a three-hour show, before people got sketched out. Also, the theatre itself is just a really interesting place with nice possibilities. In our humble little opinions, the new stuff debuting tonight (A Farewell to Arms, and Joe Virtue) worked pretty much as it was supposed to, and probably need only a very small amount of messing with. The tried and true ones (Late Night With James Joyce, and Hilldairy Farms) kept on being tried and true.
Ok, here’s something new we’ll try just once, on the off chance that it might not be abused. We will now solicit constructive criticism regarding our April 7th show. Anybody who was there who has an idea for how we could have done that set better, or anybody who noticed something they liked that they wish we’d do more of, here’s a good place to tell us about it. Try to keep the comments on-topic, or at least funny. If you guys are good, we may bring back this feature for subsequent shows.
Posted by Nate Kushner at 01:37 AM | Comments (27) | TrackBack
Listen, I don’t know any more about the afterlife than this guy (I’m currently pointing at some guy wearing a pretty lame vest). But with the high-profile passing of the Holy Father (the Pope), we are in a unique position to come together in discussion of what that life beyond life holds for all of us.
So it is with the utmost respect that I reach deep into the traditions of human religion and present Eight Visions of Papal Eternity. Are any of these the TRUTH? I’ll let you (I’m currently pointing to a guy in a very impressive yellow bandana) decide.
Vision 1:
Frank Purdue: Your holiness, I always admired your work.
Pope John Paul II: I always admired you, Frank.
Frank Purdue: You know, they called me the Pope of Frozen Chickens.
Pope John Paul II: Funny, because some people called me the Frank Purdue of Catholicism.
Frank Purdue: Really?
Pope John Paul II: No, just kidding.
(Both laugh)
Satan: Hey you two, get back to work!
Vision 2:
Sandy: Hi, I’m Sandy.
Annette: Hello, my name is Annette.
Clara: I’m Clara.
Jeanne: I’m Jeanne.
Sara: My name is Sara.
Babette: And I’m Babette.
Jessica: Hey, I’m Jessica.
Pope John Paul II: And all seven of you are virgins?
Ladies: Yes.
Pope John Paul II: Then it looks like there are eight virgins here!
Ladies: (sigh)
Vision 3:
Pope John Paul II: I’m flying! I’m a beautiful eagle!
Sierra Club Bird Watcher: Hey, doesn’t that eagle look like the Pope?
Other Sierra Club Bird Watcher: No.
Vision 4:
George: John, Ringo is here!
John: Ringo!
George: Ringo, my boy, we missed you so!
John: Let’s hear Yellow Submarine, Ringo! For old times!
Pope John Paul II: I’m not Ringo, I’m the Pope.
George: …
John: …
Pope John Paul II: …
George: Oh Ringo!
John: Ringo, my boy!
Vision 5:
Estelle: So this is it? Where are the instruments of torture…the racks and red-hot pincers and all the other paraphernalia?
Inez: Oh, I understand… each one of us will act as a torturer of the two others.
Pope John Paul II: It seems hell is other people!
(Thunderous applause, all three bow.)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for enjoying the Shadyside Dinner Theatre. Please take a moment to explore the cheese and Hex Quilt shop in the lobby.
Vision 6:
Very gay God: You have much to answer for! Your last proclamation before dying was that it is an abomination among men to be a homosexual!
Pope John Paul II: Did I say that? No. No! What I said was, uhh, ‘the abominable snow man is a homosexual.’
Very gay God: Ooo! Really?!?
Vision 7:
St. Peter: Name please.
Pope John Paul II: The Pope.
St. Peter: “The” Pope? Ha! Sorry man, now you’re not “The” Pope, now you’re just “a” Pope. We got over two-hundred thirty of you guys running around.
Vision 8:
L. Ron Hubbard: John Paul, Xenu. Xenu, John Paul.
Now it’s your turn! Post your Visions of Papal Eternity below!
Posted by Mike Still at 04:11 AM | Comments (38) | TrackBack
Who says you have to pick a side in the Yankees / Red Sox rivalry? It’s incredibly easy to hate both teams, and here’s why you should.
Derek Jeter was named captain of the Yankees in 2003. Why is that a big deal? Because baseball doesn’t fucking have captains. It’s an arbitrary construct employed by the Yankees franchise after they decided that literal masturbation would have been too obvious. These people don’t play in a sandlot, they don’t need captains to pick teams before every game, and they’re not a World War II air fleet either, despite Steinbrenner’s obvious similarities to the Fuehrer (though I believe the Yankees have more Jewish fans). Naming a captain in baseball is akin to naming your little sister Princess of your sandcastle, or naming your dog Chancellor of the living room. Tagging right along, the Red Sox, ever the Yankees’ Gilbert-Grapelike younger brother, named Jason Varitek team captain in 2005. Congratulations, Leonardo DeBostono, you get to sit in the front seat today!
The Yankees fined David Wells $100,000 for claiming he was “half-drunk” when he pitched his perfect game in 1998 for, as GM Brian Cashman put it, “tarnishing the Yankee image.” Yes, that’s the same “Yankee image” that includes Mickey Mantle’s Hall of Fame plaque receiving a liver transplant. And the image of Babe Ruth’s backfat jiggling when he would stop between second and third to bang a prostitute. Was Cashman actually serious? Rae Carruth couldn’t tarnish the Yankee image.
New York doesn’t put players’ names on their uniforms, again arrogantly citing tradition as the reason. Yanks, it’s not the 1910s anymore, sewing a name patch no longer requires the death of three Polish laborers. The Copy-Sox are almost as bad, they don’t have players’ names on their home jerseys, as though anyone short of Professor Beantown McSoxfan could tell Kevin Millar from Bill Mueller from Trot Nixon from Mark Bellhorn. Oh wait, Mueller’s the one not striking out 120 times, I got it.
John Sterling’s catchphrase, “The Yankees win! Thhhhhheeeeeeee Yankees win!” is not a catchphrase, it is just saying a thing that happened. How does the inane exclamation of a talentless parrot become the rallying cry of Yankee nation? Tradition. Of assholes.
We all know the Yankees’ payroll is ridiculous, that they have eight players making over $10 million a year, that reliever Steve Karsay makes $6 million, blah blah. But the Red Sox are no better. They gave Byung-Hyun Kim a 2 year, $10 million contract in 2004 and didn’t use him a single inning in the postseason. If Kansas City gives someone $10 million, that player had better play every day, and pitch, and work concessions between innings and sell timeshares in the offseason. If the Royals were paying Brendan Fraser’s character from “The Scout” $4 million, they still couldn’t afford to keep him.
Last but not least, everyone under thirty who said “I’ve been waiting my whole life to see the Red Sox win!” should be gathered together in Harvard Yard and Tommy-gunned. Chicago, St. Louis, Cleveland, Milwaukee, San Francisco, and Houston haven’t won in the last four decades, but I don’t see the rest of America pretending to be fans of theirs, and they’re just as much not the Yankees as the Red Sox are. I’m stuck rooting for a triple-A team called the Pittsburgh Pirates and I’m supposed to act like the $150 million Red Sox are underdogs? The closest thing they had to a Cinderella story was when Johnny Damon lost his shoe after misjudging every fly ball that has ever been hit to him. And, whenever a real Cinderella team wins, like the 2003 Marlins, no one gives a shit, because that team’s fans can pronounce Rs.
That’s why you, like me, should flip off the Boston Bandwagon anytime it rolls through your town. Don’t buy into the sportswriter splooge that Yankees / Red Sox is the most exciting rivalry in sports. No baseball games are exciting. That doesn’t mean I won’t be watching intently in 2005, rooting against Derek Jeter and Manny Ramirez and Jason Giambi’s tendons and hoping for an October without “Go Sox!” in every goddamn AIM profile I look at. It just means that when the Yankees win the World Series this year, I will again mask my jealousy with anger and turn my attention to another season of Sisyphean failure for my Steelers. I don’t know, maybe they need a captain.
Posted by Dan Hopper at 05:37 PM | Comments (40) | TrackBack
Well, people, here it is…the update many of you have been longing for.
A lot of people were expecting a reveal of some hoax on April 1st, so let’s come clean. I was not entirely truthful in my story. I know my lies were legion, but I’ve catalogued them all here, so we can get on the path to real healing.
The Things I Lied About This Week
I do not have laser eyes, and I should never have pretended I did. Our webmaster Chris Coleman was the one who actually laser-eyed all those baby ducks. Shame on me for taking the credit.
I want to apologize to Ernie Hudson for Wednesday’s entry, where I claimed to have beaten him in racquetball. He whooped me fair and square. I’ll get you next time, though, buddy. Are we still on for Sunday morning?
Bruce Springsteen isn’t dead. That’s Paul McCartney. Ringo, you can start calling yourself “The Beatle” now.
Laura never said that the Holocaust didn’t happen, and I shouldn’t have claimed she did. “Robert Frost dinner napkins” is what she said. Yeah, I don’t know what that means either.
He is risen after all. Whoops!
The Great Northern War spanned from 1700-1721, and it was not on Tuesday like I thought. My apologies to any Swedes, Poles, Danes, or Russians who may have read this blog and massacred each other. If Charles XII is reading this out there in the Ottoman Empire, it’s safe to go home now.
Also, huge apologies to the real Laura K. Krishna. I didn’t know there was one when I chose that pseudonym. She was also a plagiarist, so no harm. Who’d have thought I’d catch two? Seriously, though, you have to stop calling Indian Community College. Everybody knows.
Alright, thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
Posted by Nate Kushner at 12:00 AM | Comments (126) | TrackBack
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