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Okay, so time-travel is something very important to A Week of Kindness. Sometimes, I send myself into the future to discover what’s in store for Cap’n Mike. The problem is that the whole time-travel process makes me retarded while I’m in an alternate time.
Undaunted, I decided to travel forward in time to this weekend and read the new Harry Potter novel. I read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and sent back this review.
Again, I apologize for the effects of time-travel on the level of sophistication of the review. What I can say is that it is a 100% accurate representation of what happens in the new book.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince-A Review from the Future:
Harry Potter is Harry HOT-ter in Book 6 of the popular wizardry series. Not content to let her characters relax even for a moment, J.K. Rowling delivers a story with more action, adventure, volcanoes, magic wands, explosions, hot asses, racecars, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, kickball games, tanks, celebratory foil balloons, tunneling mole rats, ancient burial mounds, forks and spoons, sand dunes, dueling chefs, magic, Les Miserables references, Scientology, ass tattoos, rabbits with two ears, drawings of Italian countrysides, accurate predictions of the Nintendo Revolution controller, toes, toe nails, nails, fingers, Karl Rove-style C.I.A. operative leaks, books on gardening, gardening itself, philosophizing about gardening, gardens, soups, herbs, heroin, indentured servitude, college applications, individual retirement accounts, asses with faces painted on them, church services with the family, Aspercream, meaningful folk ballads, smoked barbeque ribs, small cats, and games of Quidditch than any other Harry Potter novel that has come before it!
By the time the end rolls around, and Dumbledore is dead and Harry and Ron are gay together, you don’t even care because you have just read the best book ever. And (SPOILER ALERT) Ravenclaw finally wins the house points competition.
I cannot stress enough that this is a wonderful book! As Rowling’s audience has aged, so have her characters. Her narrative is so much more mature—by the time that Harry and Ron are gay together (Hermione is gay too, but she still has sex with Hagrid—FINALLY!), you know that this book is destined for the history books (or history shelves, the place where we probably keep the history books!)
This book makes me so happy, there is a good chance I may travel to a small Mediterranean country and start an olive farm (Not to give anything away, but the reason that this book gives me this urge is that something big happens at an olive farm and it includes two MAJOR characters being gay together.)
In summary:
-Dumbledore dies.
-Harry and Ron are gay together at an olive farm.
-Ravenclaw wins the house competition (after Neville Longbottom loses a point for Gryffindor for farting too loud in potions class—Neville!!!!)
Reporting from the future-Mike
Posted by Mike Still at July 13, 2005 04:17 AM
Now, Mike, I don't doubt the time travel part of that story. I just hope that what you read was actually the new Harry Potter Book. It didn't happen to start with Harry and Dudley in the middle of a soda-drinking contest, would it?
I tell you what, everybody. Don't try to download any pirate pdf's of Potter 6. I got impatient around May and tried to see if an advance copy of it could be acquired by file-sharing.
First, I ended up with a word document with this filename:
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (full book).doc
that contained a macro that probably would have messed my computer up severely if I had been running Windows. Stupid, stupid, stupid of me.
Then I found a 3 MB pdf, with the following file name:
Rowling, J. K. - 6 - Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince.pdf
and I was happy to look inside and find that it actually was a Harry Potter novel in .pdf form. I hoped it wasn't just a fan novel.
But it was just a fan novel. I knew somewhere on the first page, because it started with Harry and Dudley having a soda-drinking contest. A soda-drinking contest. That's a soda-drinking contest.
Anyway, no need to tell me how dumb I am. I know.
Posted by: Nate Kushner at July 13, 2005 09:46 AM
If you respond to this blog I will show you my boobs...
Posted by: cody lindquist at July 14, 2005 02:32 AM
Thanks, Cody!
Don't let this opportunity pass you by, faithful readers. They're spectacular.
(They're just alright.)
(But that doesn't mean they're not still boobs.)
Posted by: Nate Kushner at July 15, 2005 03:23 AM
You'll feel especially dumb tomorrow morning when everybody who waited in line for their books at midnight tonight is talking tomorrow about how awesome that soda drinking contest was back in Chapter 1.
Posted by: Chris Coleman at July 15, 2005 11:47 AM
I don't understand what this has to do with Laura K. Krishna.
Posted by: Bog at July 15, 2005 07:34 PM
Bog- You are made out of meat. I will eat you.
Posted by: Mike Still at July 16, 2005 02:27 AM
Ron dies after trying to save Harry!!!!
EDITED BY NATE: Don't be dicks.
Re-Edited back to original by Nate: You're not a dick after all.
Posted by: John lucilion at July 16, 2005 12:28 PM
Ron is dead. Who saw that one coming?
EDITED: Don't be dicks.
Re-edited back to normal by Nate: Turns out you're not a dick after all.
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Posted by: Poop at July 16, 2005 12:30 PM
Your right i like poop to
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EDITED: Seriously, Vin Diesel is not a dick.
Posted by: Mike Still at July 17, 2005 01:00 PM
Poop and s: Apparently Dumbledore likes to poop too... check out page 69-
"Are you leaving?" asked Slughorn at once, looking hopeful.
"No, I was wondering whether I might use your bathroom," said Dumbledore.
"Oh," said Slughorn, clearly disappointed. "Second on the left down the hall."
--Later, Dumbledore returns and Slughorn asks him if he's having gastrointensinal problems and Dumbledore says he's just been reading magazines for awhile. I know that Rowling had to get Harry alone with this Slughorn character for awhile, but did she really have to make Dumbledore take a dump?
I am enjoying the book so far, by the way.
Posted by: Mike Still at July 17, 2005 01:13 PM
To all the posters whose posts I edited:
Many apologies. You're not dicks. I thought you were spoiling, but you were fake-spoiling, which was actually kind of funny. I'll change your posts back.
I did find it curious that all the fake-spoiling and scat-loving posts all came from the same IP address, though.
Posted by: Nate Kushner at July 17, 2005 02:56 PM
Look, everybody knows it's Hagrid who dies on page 94 and again on 433 (you'll find out how!)
Also, the soda-drinking contest was a bit of a letdown. Hermione just *had* to ruin everybody's fun!
Posted by: Chris Coleman at July 18, 2005 08:00 AM
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