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Last week’s Tony Awards got me to thinking: which award is lamer, the Tony or the Grammy? In this writer’s opinion, there’s no contest.
It angers me slightly that anything thrown onto a live stage is endowed with an instant artistic vindication. The “Vagina Monologues,” for instance, is seen as a valiant feminine-empowering cry to society, when, in reality, the show is a sprawling, unfunny, uninteresting mess, and any person who finds it empowering probably doesn’t deserve to be empowered. The task of the Tonys is to reward one of the perhaps seven Broadway musicals that are produced in a year as the best, though in reality, the most impressive element of Broadway remains its magical ability to, say, garner critical respect for “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels,” or to make the songs of Abba even gayer. Save the sitcom, the Broadway musical is the only contemporary art form that makes no effort to improve or progress beyond its formulaic foundation, and any attempts to do so get obliterated like Gallagher melons on the Berlin Wall. In 1989. You know what I meant. On the other hand, though, there have been a multitude of extremely deserving straight plays which have been awarded Tonys, plus there have been plenty of good musicals over the years, so, as pissed off as I was to sit through the 2005 Tonys (though “A Light in the Piazza won “Best Lighting,” and that’s funny) there is no doubt in my mind that the Grammies remain far and away the most vomit-inducing yearly award spectacle.
First off, the Grammy Award is valueless. In 2005, there were 107 Grammy Awards and 535 nominations dished out. How many fucking songs could possibly get written in a year? Maybe, like, two hundred? By those numbers, I’ve concluded that any song that anyone writes in a given year has a 268% chance of getting at least nominated for a Grammy, and that percentage is considerably higher for corpses, women who play the piano (Zowee!), and for bands who consider the sound of a dead horse being beaten to be a viable rhythmic backbone.
If you live in a lead-lined cave and somehow missed the 2005 Grammies, I’ll bring you up to speed, even though I missed them too and have seen no evidence they occurred. For starters, Bill Miller took home the coveted “Best Native American Album” for his magnum opus “Cedar Dream Songs,” but, while Billy’s “Cedar Dream” came true, his “Dream of an End to Reservation Alcoholism” remains in an Axl-Rose-esque stasis of incompletion. “Best Hawaiian Music Album” went to “Slack Key Guitar Volume 2,” which is not a compact disc but rather an actual pineapple, though it was deemed to be more a pineapple than the four other nominees in the characteristically stacked Hawaiian category. Brave Combo scored “Best Polka album,” Jack Renner grabbed “Best Engineered Album, Classical” and Tom Chapin pulled off the upset to take “Best Spoken Word Album for Children,” and you know I’m not making these up, because none of them involve 1920s moustaches. To save time, no speeches are allowed at the Grammies, and the statues are given out by an elderly ballgame peanut vendor who strolls down the aisles and tosses out awards and peanuts as the winners are announced.
The greater argument against the Grammy is its flagrant irrelevance, evidenced annually by how poorly the awards reflect significant modern music. In addition to defendable wins by Outkast and Lauryn Hill, Grammy’s “Album of the Year” winners since 1990 include Tony Bennett, Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton, Santana, Steely Dan, a bunch of dudes playing bluegrass, and, in 2005, Ray Charles. Where should I start? Since its 1992 Grammy win, “Clapton Unplugged” has collected more dust than “The Joshua Tree” and “Best of the Doors” combined. Steely Dan’s “Two Against Nature” isn’t ballsy enough to function as a paperweight, and that’s from a band named after a dildo (no joke) which was named after me (joke). Now it’s Ray Charles, a man who hasn’t written a song that’s not about Pepsi in 25 years, appearing as a blue Jedi ghost to beat nominees Kanye West and Greenday for “Best Album,” though Greenday still took “Best Impersonation of The Clash Impersonating Greenday.” Etta James won a Grammy this year, she’s 67. Herbie Hancock won one. Henry fucking Mancini won one, and he’s been dead since 1994. Zach Braff won one for the “Garden State” soundtrack - I’ve made mix cds with Nick Drake on them, where’s my fucking award? The Grammy is nothing more than a meaningless ego-perpetuated trinket that reminds us year after year that not everything worth doing is worth rewarding.
Now that’s a rant. Think I got a shot at the Criticism Pulitzer?
Posted by Dan Hopper at June 12, 2005 07:44 PM
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Daniel,
No greater statement has ever been made in the history of irrelevant awards than that of Homer Simpson and his reverence for the Grammy he and the rest of his quartet win in 1985.
Frosh anyone? :)
Posted by: John Vilsack at June 12, 2005 10:37 PM
hmmmm, you mean people actualy watch those things still?? I don't anymore, because it would cut into my computer time, and then when would i visit this newfound delight of my life??!! Besides, most of the stuff I like not only doesn't get any award treatment (that i know of), but also gets bad reviews and comes out on dvd in a few months, rather then the normal year or two. lolol. Heck, anymore i don't even know when they show the awards shows anymore, that's a how bad they seem to me! oy! they reek worse them i do after a day of all out yard working in hot and hunid weather!( and trust me it's bad)
Posted by: nailllls at June 12, 2005 11:03 PM
though, not necessarily as bad as my typing, ugh!!lol. and as you can all tell, i don't even know what the awards shows give out for what ( music, movies, musicals, braodway etc..)grammy, tony, oscar, miss america, it's all bunk to me anymore!!
Posted by: nailllls at June 12, 2005 11:06 PM
This article is funny to me, because I know Bill Miller personally, as kind of a family friend, and Dan did not know that when he wrote the essay.
I have eaten breakfast with him on probably three or four distinct occasions when I was much younger. I am totally for serious.
I only saw one nominated play this year, called The Pillowman. As it's the only thing I saw on Broadway this season, I am not qualified to actually give an opinion about whether it should have won compared to the other shows, but I can give one about whether it's awesome. And it is. Everyone must see it immediately.
Posted by: Nate Kushner at June 13, 2005 12:06 AM
You are yet another reason to send all bloggers to Gitmo.
Posted by: Laura A. Krishna at June 13, 2005 06:15 AM
Any relation?
Posted by: Nate Kushner at June 13, 2005 08:31 AM
FULL DISCLOSURE: A Week of Kindness recently lost out on best dance album (electronic) at last year's Grammy's. Our album "Elecrobutticus," was hailed by critics, but did not capture the Grammy voters' hearts. Of course, we tip our hats to the actual grammy winner for best dance album (electronic), Nora Jones and her album "Cyborgfart."
Posted by: Mike Still at June 20, 2005 12:16 AM
Wait a second here now!! you guys have some sort of album out?!?! when did this happen! I really must keep up with things better then I have been apparently! And, I must say, the title sounds VERY amusing!
Posted by: nailllls at July 8, 2005 11:21 PM