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Listen, I don’t know any more about the afterlife than this guy (I’m currently pointing at some guy wearing a pretty lame vest). But with the high-profile passing of the Holy Father (the Pope), we are in a unique position to come together in discussion of what that life beyond life holds for all of us.
So it is with the utmost respect that I reach deep into the traditions of human religion and present Eight Visions of Papal Eternity. Are any of these the TRUTH? I’ll let you (I’m currently pointing to a guy in a very impressive yellow bandana) decide.
Vision 1:
Frank Purdue: Your holiness, I always admired your work.
Pope John Paul II: I always admired you, Frank.
Frank Purdue: You know, they called me the Pope of Frozen Chickens.
Pope John Paul II: Funny, because some people called me the Frank Purdue of Catholicism.
Frank Purdue: Really?
Pope John Paul II: No, just kidding.
(Both laugh)
Satan: Hey you two, get back to work!
Vision 2:
Sandy: Hi, I’m Sandy.
Annette: Hello, my name is Annette.
Clara: I’m Clara.
Jeanne: I’m Jeanne.
Sara: My name is Sara.
Babette: And I’m Babette.
Jessica: Hey, I’m Jessica.
Pope John Paul II: And all seven of you are virgins?
Ladies: Yes.
Pope John Paul II: Then it looks like there are eight virgins here!
Ladies: (sigh)
Vision 3:
Pope John Paul II: I’m flying! I’m a beautiful eagle!
Sierra Club Bird Watcher: Hey, doesn’t that eagle look like the Pope?
Other Sierra Club Bird Watcher: No.
Vision 4:
George: John, Ringo is here!
John: Ringo!
George: Ringo, my boy, we missed you so!
John: Let’s hear Yellow Submarine, Ringo! For old times!
Pope John Paul II: I’m not Ringo, I’m the Pope.
George: …
John: …
Pope John Paul II: …
George: Oh Ringo!
John: Ringo, my boy!
Vision 5:
Estelle: So this is it? Where are the instruments of torture...the racks and red-hot pincers and all the other paraphernalia?
Inez: Oh, I understand… each one of us will act as a torturer of the two others.
Pope John Paul II: It seems hell is other people!
(Thunderous applause, all three bow.)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for enjoying the Shadyside Dinner Theatre. Please take a moment to explore the cheese and Hex Quilt shop in the lobby.
Vision 6:
Very gay God: You have much to answer for! Your last proclamation before dying was that it is an abomination among men to be a homosexual!
Pope John Paul II: Did I say that? No. No! What I said was, uhh, ‘the abominable snow man is a homosexual.’
Very gay God: Ooo! Really?!?
Vision 7:
St. Peter: Name please.
Pope John Paul II: The Pope.
St. Peter: “The” Pope? Ha! Sorry man, now you’re not “The” Pope, now you’re just “a” Pope. We got over two-hundred thirty of you guys running around.
Vision 8:
L. Ron Hubbard: John Paul, Xenu. Xenu, John Paul.
Now it’s your turn! Post your Visions of Papal Eternity below!
Posted by Mike Still at April 5, 2005 04:11 AM
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(John Paul II stands before St. Peter and a group of past popes)
St. Peter: "Welcome to Heaven, as a pope you are eligible to join the sacred fraternity of deceased popes. Before you become a member you must pass a series of tests. Because all Popes are my succesors I am given the honor of giving and judging the tests. Are you prepared for your first task?"
Pope John Paul II: "I would be honored to become a member of your order. I am ready."
St. Peter: "Pee in this bottle of alcohol and present it, while nude, to Martin Luther."
Pope crowd: (begin chanting) "DO IT! DO IT!"
Pope John Paul II:"Um..."
Posted by: Garp at April 5, 2005 04:42 AM
Ah! You rock! What a seriously laugh out loud piece! Ringo Starr! Ah!!!!!!!! Thanks for the chuckle today, man!
Vision 10:
Pope: "Hmmmmmmmm. Mother Teresa!!!"
Mother Teresa: "John Paul II!!! Let me kiss your feet!!!!!"
Pope: "Uh... while you're down there..."
Posted by: Roy Blumenthal at April 5, 2005 05:44 AM
Jesus: John Paul, I'd like to introduce you to Michael J. Fox.
Pope John Paul II: Hey, I was a big fan of "Bright Lights, Big City."
Michael J. Fox: This is heavy, man! I'd like to shake your hand!
Jesus: Just like in life!
Posted by: Chris Coleman at April 5, 2005 05:52 AM
Vision:
Pope: "Could someone please point me to Jesus?"
St Peter: "Jesus? Jesus Christ?"
Pope: "My saviour."
St Peter: "Sorry man, you've come to the wrong place. Jesus lives on earth in the White House."
Posted by: Roy Blumenthal at April 5, 2005 06:53 AM
Pope: I don't know where A Week of Kindness is Going with this thing. I thought it was related to Laura K. Krishna because that was about the religion paper and the Pope is about religion.
Angel: Yes. I agree. It is very strange that they are making posts that aren't related to Laura K. Krishna.
Pope: I wish they would listen to FaithfulHeartMakesDreamsTrue.
Angel: Yes. It would be great if they listened to FaithfulHeartMakesDreamsTrue.
Pope: I like the font that they used on the comments page.
Angel: It is a nice font.
Posted by: FaithfulHeartMakesDreamsTrue at April 5, 2005 08:45 AM
I always knew that heaven was a frat.
Oh god, Michael J. Fox is dead?!
Roy-- Jesus couldn't get elected president; he has a beard and doesn't support the death penalty.
Faithful--to make you feel better, the Pope forgave Laura before he passed. So it's all related.
Posted by: Mike Still at April 5, 2005 10:05 AM
Well, I imagine that little bit playing out after Michael J. Fox dies. Either that, or the Pope's personal vision of heaven includes Michael J. Fox -- and lots of him!
Posted by: Chris Coleman at April 5, 2005 10:07 AM
Heavy!
Posted by: Mike Still at April 5, 2005 10:07 AM
Pope: C'mon, Rip, I guess we're dead. Dunno what we're gonna do now.
Rip: *barks*
Gatekeeper: Howdy, Pope. Welcome to Heaven.
Pope: Oh, how convenient. Heaven. Well, I guess we'll come in and take our eternal rest now.
Gatekeeper: Nope, sorry. No dogs allowed.
Pope: No dogs allowed? I can't enter Heaven without my old buddy Rip. He's been with me since Wadowice.
Gatekeeper: Sorry, buddy. Those are the rules.
Pope: Well, Rip, I guess we'll just wander around for a while.
Angel: Hey, Pope, there you are. Welcome to Heaven.
Pope: That last guy said he was welcoming me to Heaven. But they wouldn't let Rip in.
Rip: *barks*
Angel: Oh, that's because that was really hell, your big-hattedness. They don't let dogs in because they can smell the brimstone and try to warn their masters away from danger.
Pope: Sweet! So we can come in?
Angel: Well, no. We don't let dogs in either. They just gnaw the furniture and piss on things. And besides, Jesus is allergic.
Posted by: Widgett at April 5, 2005 10:52 AM
God: Welcome, Karol.
Pope: You know, it's been a really long time since anyone's called me that. In fact, even my siblings started calling me "JP2" just cuz they thought it had a nice ring. My older brother--he's a real goofball--he would call me "Deuce" just to get a rise outta me.
God: "Deuce"?
Pope: Yeah, you know, as in John Paul "the second"?
God: Oh, ok! Got it... Just so you know, you shouldn't take the whole omniscience thing too literally.
Pope: No worries, bro. You have no idea how ridiculous I used to find the whole papal infallibility thing.
God: Ha, yeah, for real.
(Both laugh. Pause. Both sip mojitos casually)
Pope: You know, since we're being honest and all, I just have to say one thing.
God: What's that?
Pope: Mel Gibson is such a DOUCHE BAG.
God: Yo, I'll drink to that!
(They toast)
Posted by: Ravi Romel Sharma at April 5, 2005 10:56 AM
Who the fuck is deuce?
Posted by: Nate Kushner at April 5, 2005 11:11 AM
Mike Still wrote: "Roy-- Jesus couldn't get elected president; he has a beard and doesn't support the death penalty."
Mike...
Are you serious??? That guy by the name of George Dubbya Bush... is he REALLLLLY not Jesus? You sure???
Blue skies
love
Roy
Posted by: Roy Blumenthal at April 5, 2005 11:15 AM
Indeed, who the fuck is deuce?
Posted by: Ravi Romel Sharma at April 5, 2005 11:45 AM
No, G.W.Bush is not Jesus. I asked him to hold some marbles in his hand and he was able to it successfully :)
And I'll third the question--Who the fuck is Deuce?
Posted by: Mike Still at April 5, 2005 11:54 AM
It's a countdown...
It'll be a decade of nonsense before October comes and we all hep up to the fact that sex is good for pent up anger when seeking quartz-like clarity as to the third question about the Deuce, one might think.
Posted by: Roy Blumenthal at April 5, 2005 12:30 PM
Pope: Here I am in heaven.
Angel: Yes it is a nice place where people are kind to each other.
Pope: Well, I have a question now that I can know everything because in Heaven everyone knows everything.
Angel: What is your question?
Pope: Was the Laura K. Krishna thing a hoax?
Angel: Not according to A Week of Kindness.
Pope: Is that really an answer to the question? They don't even like to talk about her anymore.
Angel: I know. It is totally lame.
Pope: Maybe we can appoint someone on earth to talk to A Week of Kindness and get them to make more posts about Laura K. Krishna, and fewer posts about things that have nothing to do with her. Maybe no posts at all that do not have to do with her.
Angel: That is a good idea. Maybe we should ask FaithfulHeartMakesDreamsTrue?
Pope: Yes. FaithfulHeartMakesDreams true is not afraid to tell the truth, especially when he is posting anonymously in blog comments.
Angel: I will make sure FaithfullHeartMakesDreamsTrue gets the message then.
Posted by: FaithfulHeartMakesDreamsTrue at April 5, 2005 02:49 PM
I don't care about any of this. I want to know more about Laura. When are you going to post pictures? Do you have her new phone number? What is she doing now? Is she seeing anyone? PLEASE RESPOND thank you.
Posted by: Drew Alfred at April 5, 2005 03:09 PM
To Drew:
In answer to your questions, come see our show on Thursday!
At the National Comedy Theatre
347 W. 36th Street, between 8th and 9th Avenue
New York, NY
Cover $10, but holy damn, there's a lot of sketch groups in this show. Hit thefunnynyc@gmail.com to make reservations.
Posted by: Nate Kushner at April 5, 2005 03:19 PM
Pope John Paul II: Fred, your work educating and entertaining children during the latter half of the 20th Century was a constant inspiration and I'm glad that we're going to be working together.
Mr. Rogers: Why thank you Pope.
PJP2: Oh, I'm not the Pope anymore. So what's on the agenda for enacting Christ's will today?
Mr. Rogers: Hunting John Denver across heaven.
PJP2: Let's roll.
Posted by: John C at April 5, 2005 04:08 PM
SCENE: In heaven, Pope John Paul II intently studies several beakers full of chemicals. Suddenly, a massive heavenquake causes the beakers to fall and shatter. As PJPII and his assistant, Elvis, look out the window, they notice their doom closing in on the horizon.
POPE: Elvis, look! It's Unicron!
In obvious terror, Elvis and the Pope make a dash through the corridors of their angelic labratory.
ELVIS: The ships, get to the ships! It's our only chance!
Elvis enters one ship and takes off. As the Pope enters the second ship, he stops to gaze in amazement at the planet eater. He then climbs in the ship and tries to blast off. However, he has waited too long and is pulled back in to Unicron's gravity.
POPE: ARRRGH!
The pope is devoured with the rest of Planet Heaven. Unicron's halo glows with a saintly, Pope-ish luminescence.
END SCENE
Posted by: Matt at April 5, 2005 04:13 PM
Hillary in 2008! and by Hillary I mean those last two hillary-ous comments! Ultra props.
Posted by: Mike Still at April 5, 2005 04:36 PM
Angel: Noli timere, FaithfulHeartMakesDreamsTrue, nam angelus domini sum.
FaithfulHeartMakesDreamsTrue: Ave!
Angel: ad http://www.aweekofkindness.com tibi eundum est. Caelum, spectans locum diu, irascatur et vult cognoscere de Laura K. Krishna verum.
FaithfulHeartMakesDreamsTrue: Nate Kushner de Laura K. Krishna dicere timet--id forsitan significat esse falsum.
Angel: Aggraves eos donec dixeunt vere.
FaithfulHeartMakesDreamsTrue: Ita. Sed cur linguam Latinam dicemus?
Angel: est lingua caelorum. amamus te.
FaithfulHeartMakesDreamsTrue: Gratias te ago.
Posted by: FaithfulHeartMakesDreamsTrue at April 5, 2005 05:03 PM
Yes, it is true that I was contacted by an angel to write to you. The above comment post is the actual conversation I had! NOW LISTEN TO ME. Why don't we get back to the focus of this site: Laura K. Krishna. We HAVE to keep talking about her or we will all lose our way and accidentally plagiarize somthing. Also, it is important if you are an entertainer to give the audience what it wants. Well it is clear, by the number of comments you had then, and the number that you have now, that the audience wants more more more more more more more more more more Laura K. Krishna. Thank you and have a good afternoon.
Posted by: FaithfulHeartMakesDreamsTrue at April 5, 2005 05:12 PM
By the way, if anyone comments on the fact that the angel said "donec dixeunt vere" instead of "dum diceant vere" I noticed this, and thought the angel was confused, but didn't want to say anything because I thought it would be rude to correct an angel on her grammar.
Thanks and good luck with the next post on Laura K. Krishna.
Posted by: FaithfulHeartMakesDreamsTrue at April 5, 2005 05:28 PM
Pope JPII: Is every day in heaven like this?
Ashton Kutcher: Yeah, pretty much. BBQ's, sun, and meeting good people with good handshankes.
PJPII: Wow, it'll be tough moving from the Vatican into this cloistered fantasy world were each resident knows that they are more important than people living anywhere else.
AK: Nah, you'd be surprised, I made the switch from Hollywood pretty quick.
Pope's Hat: What up dawg.
PJPII: Hat? What are you doing here? I didn't know you died, I didn't even know you were alive.
PH: You so whack jigga. You ain't trippin about not knowing that hats were alive? I'll bet you don't believe in no evolution neither.
AK: It's true, All hats go to heaven.
PJPII: I thought that was dogs.
AK: Dogs don't actually exist, I mean they weren't even mentioned in the bible.
PJPII: But I saw dogs on earth all the time.
AK: They were just put there by God to test you.
PH: Except Snoop. He my pimp.
Posted by: Adam at April 5, 2005 06:30 PM
St. Peter Leads Pope John Paul II to his room in heaven. They pass room after room. One room is for Muslims. The next is for Hindus. Further down the hall they see rooms for Mormons, Unitarians, Jehovah's Witnesses (room for only 144,000 St. Peter notes). There's a waiting room for Buddhists waiting to reincarnate.
Then they approach a room in a bit of a dark and dingy area. "Please be quiet as we pass this room."
After they pass the room he resumes the tour.
Pope John Paul II: "Why did we have to be quiet as we went past that one room?"
St. Peter: "Oh, them, that's where the Christian fundamentalists stay. They think they're the only ones up here."
Posted by: Governator at April 5, 2005 06:43 PM
Governator, if that's your site, it's hilarious. Alternatively, it may be incredibly frightening. I'm leaning toward hilarious though.
Posted by: Chris Coleman at April 5, 2005 09:55 PM
Adam, you've given me a glimpse of the planned feature film remake of LIDSVILLE.
And I will never forgive you.
Posted by: Widgett at April 5, 2005 11:29 PM
Actually, it's not my site. I just made it up, turns out I could not possibly imagine how appropriate it was.
Posted by: Governator at April 6, 2005 02:00 PM
(Not to be confused with FaithfulHeartMakesDreamsTrue)
How come you are all called "A Week of Kindness?"
GREAT JOB ON THE COMMENTS SECTION GUYS KEEP IT UP!
Posted by: Faithful2tehend at April 6, 2005 04:51 PM
hendrix: purple haze, are in my brain...
pjpII: lately things they don't seem the same, by the way jimmy, got somma that shit?
hendrix: just sold out, morrison needed a fix.
morrison: you talkin shit? do i need to come light your fire?
pjpII: no thanks i quit. Hey is that Kurt Cobain? I love that guy.
curt: hey your popiness, you smell like teen spirit.
pjpII: thanks, at least i don't smell like jonny holmes, that guy kinda stinks, he needs a good pecker washing.
jonny holmes: when you are hung like a donkey, you don't need to wash the skank off. why don't you join us in a holy gang bang? joplin pulls a train, and the lord is the engineer, that guy never gets seconds.
pjpII: no thanks, i'm still a virgin.
jonny holmes: that aint a problem it isn't hard, *taps pjpII's groin* i guess it isn't hard.. try one of these viagra's.
pjpII: no thanks, i'll just trust the power of the lord.
JC: wazzzzuuuuuuuuppppppp
pjpII: waaaazzzzzuuuupppppp
morrison: wazzzzuuuuuppppp
hendrix: wazzup
cobain: fuck this shit, i'm out.
Posted by: i love laura at April 6, 2005 05:18 PM
*Pope walks up to the Pearly Gates*
Pope: Mrs. Schiavo! How nice that you waited for me to arrive.
Terri: Ha. I've been in Heaven for fifteen years. I'm just out here having a smoke.
Posted by: Mortaine at April 6, 2005 07:25 PM
The only thing the least bit interesting on
this site is the LKP/K story. Sketch comedy
dull, cornball stuff. Give us more LKP/K.
What's happening to her now? Where is her
blog? Does anyone have a picture of her?
Sell me a LKP/K mug and t-shirt: "Laura K.
XXXX, patron of humanistic scholorship".
Make hay while the sun shines and give us
more LKP! Quit going to your own shows and
start talking about Laura K. Krishna!
Posted by: Dora J. Vishnu at April 7, 2005 09:04 AM
i love laura,
Man you are one sick, twisted bastard.
Posted by: Governator at April 7, 2005 06:06 PM
pjpII: hey shiavo, they finally let you die?
ts: yeah its about time, i was sick of getting fondled by the orderlies.
pjpII: well you are in a better place now.
ts: yeah i guess so, hey pope, do you know the best way to eat a vegetable?
pjpII: i don't know? peel it first?
ts: no, you take her out of the weelchair!
Posted by: i love laura at April 8, 2005 11:50 AM
Scene: Golden Street in Heaven
St. Peter: Karol, please follow me, I must show you something.
Holy Father: Yes, Cephas, what is it?
SP: There is a room full of clocks I would like you to see.
ENTER ROOM. Various clocks are ticking at various speeds. Each has a name under each clock.
HF: Cephas, why does this clock "Nate Kushner" move so slowly? Why does "Ashton Kucher" move so quickly?
SP: Because Nate rarely sins and Ashton sins often, Karol.
HF: Why do I not see "Laura K. Krishna" here.
SP: Oh. Jesus had her clock installed in His bedroom. He needed a new ceiling fan.
Posted by: QuasiLonelyPoet at April 11, 2005 03:29 PM
wow, cute stuff! i originally came here on the whole plagiarizing thing, but am liking what i see! you all have won me over, and if i ever do get to the city again, i would think it a fabulous idea to see one of your shows!! go you funny people you!! weeeeeeeeeeeee.
Posted by: nailllls at May 7, 2005 03:21 PM
interior monologues and (as Carson's readers have archipelago come to expect) digressions on matters of classical digitizing scholarship. This kind of thing is imitated badly of north america and often by others, but Carson's phraseology within arcinfo poems remains her own: "Rotate the husband and expose gis project a hidden side," she urges early on
Posted by: map to at July 13, 2005 10:55 PM
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